Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
