Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize