Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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