So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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