Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
