I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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