True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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