i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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