I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
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