Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
