what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
