Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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