I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Randomize
