My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
