I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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