I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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