Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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