she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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