Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
