Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
