Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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