apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Randomize
