I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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