I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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