Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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