The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
