i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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