my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
