im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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