I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
just found out that she named her cat after me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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