Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
