watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
