First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
did i walk over a car last night?
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
