If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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