i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He shit in the fireplace
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
