You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
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