Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
