I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
