I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
