I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
