Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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