His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
