I accidentally had phone sex last night
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
