if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
