Is it normal to miss your booty call?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
