Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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