It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
