you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
