i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
