I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
