I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
