I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
