so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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