i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Randomize
