The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
