I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
